Cucumber Autopsy

"What do we have here, Scully?"

"On the surface it seems like the roots of the plant may have been choked off. The soil has a lot of silt and has compacted into a solid, cakelike substance. Mulder, roots need water, nutrients and oxygen. Water was not lacking as there was a full day of steady rain. After the rain, things turned ugly. Nutrients may have been lacking, but some sort of chlorotic appearance would surely have preceded death. There is no evidence of that. The silt could have choked off any potential aeration into the soil profile. The anaerobic conditions would have squeezed the life out of this helpless, struggling plant. But, look here."

(looks into microscope)

"What is it? What's on these roots?"

"It's a gelatinous film... I've never seen anything like it."

"What are you saying Scully?"

"What I'm seeing here is not carbon-based... I have no explanation... yet. Do I want to do some more research? Yes. Do I need your help? Not really."

"Do you think it's a government cover-up? Did these plants know too much? Tell me it's a conspiracy and I'll fly to Siberia and do some fact finding out there."

"No, Mulder. I know you want to rack up some more frequent flyer miles, but this mystery is on the smallest scale. The truth isn't out there... it's in here." (points to goo-covered roots)

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WE'RE BACK

"Scully, I've been doing some digging. Not literally. I talked to this backwoods yokel farmer, he calls himself Cunado. He told me that his farm was doing fine for about a week and a half. Recently planted seeds had germinated and looked to be thriving under his expert care. He happened to mention a pervasive ant problem."

"Ants, Mulder?"

"Yes, ants. He couldn't be sure that they weren't alien ants, so for the moment I think we should assume that they are extra-terrestrial."

"Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. Did you find their space ship?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Scully. All evidence of ant space travel points to teleportation. I documented several cases in an article I wrote for OMNI magazine back in 1986."

"Go on."

"I think I want to go back out to the farm, Scully. And I want to do it tonight when it's dark and the lighting is poor. I have some questions that still need answers, like 'what happened out there?' and so forth."

"You do that. I'll keep looking in this microscope, dissecting things and referring to old lab notes. Be sure to give me call when all hell breaks loose out there. Are you taking the Ford Taurus?"

"Yes."

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WE'RE BACK

(on cell phone) "Scully, I've been doing some digging... literally. I brought my FBI trowel and made some incisions where the roots perished. Remember the alien ants Cunado told us about?"

(also on cell phone) "Yes."

(still on cell phone) "I found a colony of them. An Alien colony. An alien ant farm. Not the Alien Ant Farm that covered Michael Jackson's "Smooth Criminal" with the somewhat entertaining video, but real live ants. They were deep in the ground. It's strange, Scully."

(cell phone conversation continues) "Ants live underground, Mulder."

(speaking into cellular phone) "But not alien ants, Scully. They tend to live in space. I'm convinced these are mutants. They wouldn't speak to me when I questioned them. Mute ants. Get it?"

(using mobile phone) "That's a good one. Listen, I think I've found something you should see. I could tell you on this cell phone, but I'd like you to see what I've found."

(final cell phone communication) "I'll be at the lab in a minute, I'll stop and get us some donuts."

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

This episode of the X-Files is brought to you with limited commercial interruptions by Krispy Kreme, Dunkin' Donuts and the National Coalition of Independent Donuteers (NaCoInDo!). Spokesman Sam Waterston: "If you're hungry..." (bites donut) "...eat a donut."

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WE'RE BACK

"Thanks for the donuts. They really hit the spot."

"So what have you found?"

(Walks over to microscope)

"Remember the gel that was on the cucumber roots? I think I've traced its origins. Look at this slide... now look at this slide. Do you see any similarities?"

"Not really, should I?"

"No, Mulder, you shouldn't. But I do. There is some faint mycelia on the roots in both slides, the beginnings of a fungal outbreak, fueled by ant saliva proteins."

"Are you saying some canisters from a cold-war chemical warfare program have fallen into the hands of agri-terrorists, who now have landed on our shores to wreak havoc on our subsistence farmers' cucumber crops?"

"Exactly. With your... uh... how do you arrive at that? Good god. What happened is this: Cunado tried to kill the ants... ordinary fire ants, not alien ants. Using some cut-rate pesticide from Home Depot we unwittingly created a resistant strain of super ants. They tend to be passive-aggressive. Rather than doing damage on the surface, with the mounds and the biting and the pain, they chew on the roots of his plants. The weakened plant dies, apparently due to poor management on his part. They hide at some distance and have a good laugh at his expense. And, Mulder, they'll keep on doing it... there's no stopping them."

"Poor Cunado"

(cut to grainy footage of Cunado planting new seeds, scary cello music plays)

(fade to black)

(Fade up image of Sam Waterston)

(fade to black)

The Battle of Little Big Farm

Sunday morning started peacefully enough. We were one dog short, so we all got to sleep in a little bit. Being gone a couple days made the anticipation of seeing the vegetables progress extra anticipatory. I was sure that the beans would be quite prominent and we all remember the impressive lettuce plants of a few days ago, but what other wonders were waiting for us?

Walking through the dew laden grass I could see greenery of all sorts. Cucumber plants, squash, zucchini, green beans, lettuce and even a couple tiny tomato plants were rising above the fruited plain. A few steps closer.

I saw the the sight that I hoped I'd never see. In my absence, the hated fire ants had reinforced themselves and were laying siege to the farm. Bastards! A convoy of fire ants were marching through the grass from an old mound and were apparently relocating their colony on the edge of the lettuce field. Hundreds of them, some carrying eggs, others carrying nothing, moved through the farmland and over the eastern carrot patch to their new outpost. I could not let this stand, I would not let this stand. I made the tough decision. As the farmer, I knew it was up to me. I had to use chemical and biological agents to rid the land of this red menace. I rushed back to the house and got the ant killer. I powdered the multitudes from high above with an aerial attack. From up high, they looked just like little ants.

I felt terrible, but it was necessary. I hated to do it. I had seen plenty of death the previous couple days. For some reason, dozens of turtles were trying to cross highways and byways throughout North Carolina. I don't know how many made it... but I know many didn't as I saw their carcasses on the roadside. Some upturned, some squashed, all expired. Poor guys. And gals, I assume.

I wandered about the yard and found more mounds of active fire ants. Five or six mounds dotted the landscape, full of thousands more little militants (ha! pun). They were positioned to make the next move. One mound far to the south was filled with winged ants who must have been in place for air support in a future ground attack. I had to eradicate the threat, or it least minimize it. A preemptive strike. We'll see how successful I was. It rained like crazy later in the day, so it's hard to say if it worked. Today I saw no ant activity at the farm. I didn't check any of the other mounds because I forgot.

Who knows what their plan was? Why couldn't they leave us alone? I assume they were trying to drive us out by cutting off our food supply. If that was the case, a better strategy would have been to take out the Food Lion.

Stupid ants.

Plants and Ants

Most people will tell you that an obedient dog is the result of a consistent, well-trained owner. I would agree. Problem dog (Mickey) and his owners were given two full rounds of professional dog training. Issues of of fear, food aggression and listening were taught to all parties with varying degrees of success. Despite having gone through these dog training classes and learning proper techniques for giving commands, I still find that I expect our dogs to obey "Don't be so stupid" as if they should understand that. Bad owner. Mickey usually gets it, Maggie usually doesn't.

There is a plant peeking through the soil out on the farm. It may be the first sprout of one of the zucchini plants. It may be weed. At any rate... something is growing out there.

The fire ant issue is generally under control. It only took several bites on my flip-flopped feet to realize it was a problem... but realized it was and dealt with it was, too. If you've ever poked at a mound you've seen the flurry of activity it creates. I guess they are all under orders that when the mound is disturbed, go out and find something and bite that something for as long as you can, then return to base for further instructions. I hope they're not more organized than that, but they may be. Look what they accomplish, some of these mounds are huge. Management must have a pretty good relationship with the ant union because they do a hell of a job. Although I guess it's more of a queen/monarchy thing. All the ants are subjects. Just like they're the subject of this paragraph.

The lawn has gone native for the past week and a half. It looks lush. Lush and unloved. It has to be confused by these cool nights and temperate days... we all were settling in for the heat of summer, and here we get a nice dose of spring. This give me great joy.

Blogger and Google suggested that I ask all of you who follow my blog to "follow" my blog. To "follow" my blog, you click on the "Follow" button to the right. It will help you keep up with all your favorite blogs, and mine as well. I don't think they suggest this merely for my own ego boost, but perhaps they sensed I was a having an off day and needed a little love. Sometimes this interactive help can be pretty sensitive to your needs. I wouldn't put anything past Google. If you do "follow," I suggest using impossible to trace screen names/profiles/pictures to protect your anonymity. Unless you're ok with who you are, who I am and so forth.

And that's all. If anyone has any topics they'd like me to cover, please let me know. I'm toying with the idea of a feature called "Technology and You: Personal Computing in the Early 90's" that would likely be a five-part series to cover the breadth of insight I have regarding this timely subject.

bye now.