Famous first words

In celebration of my 85th post, I went back and copied the first lines of all my posts. The plan was to put them together into a coherent piece that hopefully wouldn’t read like a mad lib. By the time I finished copying and pasting, the project was already doomed, so I scrapped it. I did consider going through with it, but then, one of you might read it and... it could have been the last straw for you. "Enough of this Bloglas!" you'd say. I don't want you to say that... and I don't want to force you to do so with an ill-conceived post. I want the spirit to gurgle up organically from your collective depths, "Hip hip... Huzzah for Bloglas!" What follows will likely not elicit Huzzahs, but if it can avoid Boos, I'll chalk it up as a victory. So here are five first lines from the McBlogland archives and why I chose them.

Sunday morning started peacefully enough.

How can you not want to read on? Peacefully enough? What does enough foreshadow or to what does it allude? Some conflict... I must must must find out what happened later that day. Truly brilliant. Why did I choose this one? Hmmmm. Perhaps an overt homage to a cliche beginning. Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps it was a dark and stormy night...

David Caruso first captured our collective hearts as a bellboy in an episode of Ryan's Hope back in 1976.

David Caruso, Ryans Hope.

Knee deep in vitamin D is a bit of an overstatement.

Totally random, right?! Right? Well, I don’t think anyone ever wrote that line before, so I choose it for some minor amount of originality.

The magic loop fell late Friday afternoon.

MAGIC! obviously.

The perimeter of the farmland has been breached once again.

Again, you know this one is going somewhere phenomenal. You read that line and there is no turning back. No one can resist a story with breaching. Who breached... how did they breach... when did they breach? Breach and breach and breach and continue to breach. Short breaches or long breaches... it doesn’t matter. Just enjoy the show.

Dear readers,

Thanks for reading.

Fondly,
Bloglas

Small Fire Hits Virginia Home

There was a time when I was crafty and made all sorts of things. I'm still a little crafty, but don't make so many things. Below is a picture of a model house I designed and built about 16 years ago. It was mainly built from balsa wood with some little furnishings inside and a sandpaper roof.
The house has been sitting on the bar/counter in my parents basement for nearly the entire 16 years it's been around. I'd like to build a house someday, but this is not the design that I'll choose. Rather than bring it back to Carolina, I decided it was time to say goodbye. So, this happened...
Total destruction down to ashes took about eight minutes. Investigators suspect that a lit match started the fire in the den. Foul play is confirmed.

Lunacy

The moon is about 238,855 miles away. That's pretty far. That you can make out some of it's surface features with the naked eye is pretty neat. But enough about that.

We have some excitement in our hemisphere now, and it's not just the deaths of a few notable celebrities. There was a military coup in Honduras. Given the right circumstances, Hugo Chavez said that it could lead Honduras to war with Venezuela. I'm not totally up to speed on it all. As I understand it, Zelaya is a leftist who was democratically elected but was pushing to change the rules so he could bypass an imposed term limit. Then there was the coup. Keep an eye on it. Honduras is not that far away from us and lord knows central and south America have made for some ugliness in the past. Let's all be aware, even if only slightly.

We can not like Bush, we can not like Obama, we can not like the fat cats in Washington, we can not like a lot of things, but we should like that we have had a stable democracy through some trying times. It's a balance of power and rules that we should appreciate. The United States is the exception, not the rule. Our rules make us exceptional, and the fact that we generally abide them makes it all the more remarkable. I guess it's pretty timely with the 4th coming up. But the Fourth was about our right to govern ourselves independently. Drafting and ratifying a constitution that has worked for over two hundred years is more impressive. It's one thing to declare independence, quite another to maintain that independence. Each day we don't spiral into anarchy we should have a small celebration for the constitution. By 1788 it had been ratified by enough states to take effect. But for being our lasting, governing document, it was not a home run. Consider the following states and the margins by which it passed: Massachusetts 187 to 168, New Hampshire 57 to 47, Virginia 89 to 79, New York 30 to 27, and Rhode Island 34 to 32. Pretty interesting. Some of those were powerful states with powerful economies and powerful influence. Happily, it works. Our country has done some regrettable things, but more than it's fair share of remarkable things, and I, for the most part, am just along for the ride.

Tonight I celebrate by sitting on the back stairs that have been heated by the sun all day. I stare at the graphic display of stratus clouds lit up by the setting sun and watch my dogs roam relatively free. After that, I'll look up at the moon, because it's there.

Two dogs, Twenty minutes

The moon is a waxing crescent tonight. A dog barks in the distance. A dog nearby (about 4 feet away) wants to bark, but knows better. She quietly barks under her breath. She creeps up the steps and looks hopefully at the door. A mosquito buzzes around her head. She casually puts her mouth around it. No more buzzing. The door opens and in she goes. Another dog pants in the yard. He makes muffled chomping sounds, teeth on stick, teeth on stick. Inside, a tongue laps at a bowl of water. The door opens and dog comes back outside. She wanders around for a moment then sits on the deck and starts to lick herself until she's told not to. She takes a few more steps to be within arm's reach. She gets a few pats on the head. She walks away. She stops to look through the fence into the darkness beyond, seeing nothing, sensing something, thinking very little.... all instinct. The distant barking is becoming more earnest. Dog nearby again wants to join the chorus. She growls but resists barking. Good dog. There's a licking on my arm as brown dog comes by for a break from stick chewing. Slobber once. Slobber twice. Back out to the stick in the yard. Black dog again takes her spot for a quick pet. Then off to the deck for some more resting. Small bugs, beetles of some sort, fall from above and land on their backs. I flick them away. PETA would approve. Black dog comes back for a petting but receives none. She moves on. The Doppler shift of panting means brown dog is on the move. He's usually on the move. Another distant bark is breaking the silence to the north. Whatever has the canine world upset this evening is in motion or in multiple locations. Black dog again wants to share her opinion with the neighborhood, but mumbles "bark" instead, a puff of air forced through her chops - far from a bark. Brown dog licks a few toes, sniffs around then jumps off the stoop. A beetle. Poor bugger. Not sure how PETA feels about a dog killing a bug.

Eight and a half hours of abandonment are forgotten. Brown dog surely has forgiven while black dog will add this to the list of injustices she has suffered under our regime. Time for bed. A wag and a kiss.

Bad

If you go back in time to the video posts I made, you'll remember my excitement at how quickly the videos uploaded to the web. Tonight I tried to upload a video and after three full hours, I gave up. I'll have to come up with a shorter video and post my regularly scheduled post at a later date. All of which leaves me scrambling this evening. I'm tired and ready for sleep. But, I owe you all something. Something of value. Yesterday was a little weak and I feel bad with two sub par posts in a row. Surely this is not the first time this has happened... but I guess it's the first time I feel bad about it.

Speaking of Bad, I got that album for Christmas back when it came out. One of those guilty musical pleasures. It probably wasn't cool of me to like it or want it, but I both liked it and wanted it. I just came across a tribute on VH1 Classic with a bunch of MJ videos. The music video for Bad came on. Directed by Martin Scorsese, it has the story of Michael (in character) coming back to the 'hood from boarding school. It had all the 80's cheese you could want... overacting, terrible dialogue, bad fashion, forced moral message, and so on. Way too much story build up. It turned into a modern West Side Story dance-fight-bravado-posture-fest. I couldn't see it through. It was too... bad.

I have nothing poetic to say about his life or his death. We were never very close. I think he genuinely moved people with his music and performance. From our distance, I think we all saw a tortured personal life that could never reconcile itself with his mega-famous public life. At some point, maybe you get so twisted in it all that you can't break free. I tend to think we all get to feeling that way, but we have the benefit of millions of people not watching and questioning and judging our every move, thank god. Multiply your highs and lows by a million, and I think that's what it was like to be Michael Jackson. Many of us would like a shot at the talent, fame and fortune. But the scrutiny... no one seems to be into that.

In an interview I heard with Ricky Gervais (The Office(the original)) he cited a poll where the question was asked of young people what they wanted to be when they grew up. Fire man? Police Officer? Doctor? Lawyer? Indian Chief? Something like 85% said "famous." Simply famous. Not famous for some achievement or good deed or talent or contribution to humanity, simply "famous."

If I was more awake I might be able to tie all of this together in some clever fashion, but perhaps there is no brilliant connection. Two disparate points with no great commonality? Perhaps. But things to think about none the less.

Good night.

7 paragraphs

Here you see a picture of me with Bean Plant. I hoped the plant would appear quite large. Instead, it looks like I am quite small. Apparently I was due for a total Photoshop dud and this is it. Darn.

Not a lot to say tonight. Two stars dead. One governor turned Latin lover. One Iranian protest mostly squelched. I have no interesting takes on any of these at the moment. I believe they all sort of speak for themselves.

I saw a skink chasing after, catching and eating a bug this morning. The skink was incredibly nimble in his hunt. I wouldn't have thought it was capable of catching a fast, winged creature... but I saw it happen.

Each paragraph tonight shall be approximately the same length with but a single topic explored. The paragraphs may consist of sentences and fragments at the whim of the author. Of course, all this is at the whim of the author.

Short topics are easier to write about but harder to think up. Look back on the last few paragraphs... clearly you see no revelation, no divine inspiration, no mundane inspiration. Sure could use a CNN poll to bail me out.

I swore off the CNN poll, though. I was addicted to it. Put up a poll question, make a snide, yet incisive, comment and then move on with the blog. I do one thing at a time. I do it very well, and then I move on.

Many will recognize those last few lines from M*A*S*H. Saw a good quote by FDR's daughter, Alice Roosevelt Longworth. "Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches." Sounds good to me. Catch y'all tomorrow.

Dead horse, beating a

Day three of my making fun of CNN's online poll.

Today's edition: "Do you owe student loans?"

This would be an ok poll question if anything at all on the page had to do with the cost of higher education and the burden of debt on students. But, there were no such articles. Without context, what is the purpose? I understand wanting something interactive so people... well, interact on the site, but it should be relevant to something. It doesn't make me mad, it just makes me notice and wonder why. And for the most part, I think I'm gonna drop it, unless something ironic or stupid pops up such that I can't help myself.

On to other news.

News. News. News.

Oh, very few of you will find this of interest. I began an aggressive mid-summer pruning campaign on the property last night. All out-of-control plants are about to fall under the knife (or saw or pruners or clippers). That means you, crape myrtles - I'm tired of mowing around your wild foliage. That means you, overhanging limbs - I'm gonna cut you down. That means you, gigantic Azalea on the north side of the house - I'm cutting you, too. That probably doesn't mean you, enormous holly - I fear you and your poking things.

News. News. News.

Mickey's dinosaur bone stick is half the size it was a few short weeks ago. He's made some serious progress. A fiber-rich diet is so important.

News. News. News.

During the pruning last night I found an old bird's nest. Here it is. Birds do lovely work. It reminds me of the sweet grass baskets they make in the low-country of South Carolina near Charleston. The craft has been passed down through generations descended from West African slaves and evolved into a decorative art form in the 20th century. Y'all should check it out the next time you're driving down route 17 toward Charleston. Dozens of stands line the road with basket makers selling their wares and doing their thing.

News. News. News.

El Farmo Cunado has been properly weeded. The majority of the weeds were sedge-y grasses, which shows that the drainage in the soil is poor. The overall lack of vegetable plant growth suggests this as well. Bean plants continue their progress. I have put some fence around them so they can climb up. Yellow squash continues to grow. Lettuce and Carrots are holding steady. It's amazing they can grow so little in so long a time, yet still be alive.

News. News. News.

I've written so much yet said so little.

A cardinal is sitting atop our now useless giant roof antenna. He's singing and has a lovely voice. It's a full body exercise for him - tail moving, chest going in and out, feathers puffing out in different places. He's balanced on a thin piece of metal, surveying the area and singing away to somebirdy about something. Pretty amazing really. He just pooped, sang a few more notes then flew off to a tree. Bye-bye, Birdy.

He's singing again.

Two guys and a poll walk into a bar

Luckily you don't come here for the jokes, because that set up would be heading for one monumentally disappointing punchline.

To the two guys who wrote this in the Wall Street Journal: When you write one near fact and one impossible to substantiate opinion as fact early on in your article, you ruin my palette. Anything else you write is tainted by your illegitimate starting point. To highlight my point:

"The election held last Friday was a carefully controlled process that allowed only candidates approved by religious authorities to seek office. Nonetheless, it seems clear that many and likely most Iranians cast votes for challenger Mir Hossein Mousavi and against Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad."

"... carefully controlled process..." well, sort of. Not so "carefully controlled" that street protests, clashes with authorities and international outrage were the result.

"... seems clear that many and most likely most Iranians cast votes for challenger..." No! How can you reasonably arrive at that conclusion? If you think the election was a fraud, you have no data to support anything. If you take the actions of the protesters to be representative of the vote, then what about the non-protesters? You've decided who they voted for!/? If 51% of Iran's population was in the streets saying they voted for Mousavi, only then can you make that claim. Please please please, present facts and argue their relevance. Don't arrive at and support a position based on half-truths and opinion... that's my bread and butter as a blogger, and I won’t give it up without a fight.

CNN's poll question today: Should people on the government's terrorist watchlist be allowed to buy guns? Yes or no. 11% say yes. As a blogger, I can reasonably conclude that 11% of respondents are gun-buying terrorists. Right? Hmmmmm, I'd rather not know what the yeses are thinking.

So, two guys and a CNN Poll walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "What can I do for you?". Guy number one says "I'd like a Miller Lite on draft if you've got it." Guy number two says, "Budweiser in a bottle, and some pretzels or nuts." The CNN Poll asks the bartender "Is the Obama administration doing enough to promote green energy? Yes or no." The bartender politely asks the CNN Poll to leave. It leaves quietly and unscientifically. After a few minutes, guy one asks, "Where'd Poll go?" Guy two grumbles before he takes in the last of his Bud, "How should I know? I never voted for him." Guy one looks up, more than a little confused, "What does that mean?" Guy two, mouth full of peanuts "Ah, nevermind."

THE END

And that, for those that didn't already know, is why I don't write or tell jokes.

Bits of Tid

Hey LOL'ers, are you really laughing out loud? I know we all have different thresholds for creating audible laughter, but some of the stuff you claim to be LOL-ing, I just don’t see it. LMAO'ers, see above.

I meant to mention this as part of my most recent Iran post: I was getting caught up on all the events in Iran on CNN.com Saturday afternoon. The poll question on their homepage amid all the Iranian election coverage was "Does your cell phone have all the features you'd like?" A) Yes B) Most of the features I'd like C) Why are you asking this question when there are plenty of topics worthy of a public opinion poll? I made up choice C, but the poll was real. Real... something.

Take your medicine, driver. Pet peeve of the week is when a car is in the wrong lane but tries to get in the correct lane at any cost. Take your medicine. Get off on the exit, turn around and try again. It’s not worth risking lives of those around you just so you don't lose five minutes correcting your error. Sheesh. I’m pulling you over for a Gomer Pyle-style citizen's arrest next time I see it happen. Mr. or Mrs. Black Toyota Tercel (NC license plate ZDH-4331), consider this to be your only warning.

It’s amazing how a fairly normal act, when turned and twisted only slightly, can become very weird and creepy. I choose not to give an example.

Speaking of weird and creepy, here’s another picture.

1 Million Dollar Contest

Now that I have your attention... HA ha.

Seriously, check out the photo below. It's my "Blast from the Past Photo Contest!" Correctly identify 5 (five) people in the picture and win the jackpot. Good luck to all! This may count as one of those tough questions that Wikipedia can't help you answer. Challenge! I'll give a couple hints. 1991. "Niiiiiine."You know how there are photos you remember from years ago and how much fun it is to pull them out and think back on the memories? Well, this isn't one of them. I don't remember seeing this before, but I still like it. It has high fashion, artistic composition, international intrigue and vibrant local color... all prerequisites for any photo I consider posting here.

Went to Lynchburg for a Hillcats game Saturday night. The tally:
+ Free parking
+ Free tickets given to us at the gate
+ Big crowd on hand
+ Big crowd watched the baseball game
- Home team lost
+ Perfect weather
+/- Animated Lynchburg manager argued a call and got thrown out
+ good defense
+ quick pace
+ on field promotions I hadn't seen before
+ pretty drive to and from through the hills of Virginia
+ no bratty kids
+ fireworks after the game meant no traffic for our departure
+ Good time with family
+ Pre-Father's Day fun
+ baseball

Send any "Blast from the Past Photo Contest!" guesses to me along with two boxtops from Cheerios cereal. Good Luck!

Disclaimer: The one million dollar prize money may or may not exist.