EXTRA EXTRA!

LOCAL MAN HAS PICTURE TAKEN IN SEPIA TONES

by Haywood Dowager

Gadabout D. Lowell McFarland is shown here dolled up like a drugstore cowboy. He's a real egg. That's right. You wouldn't know it to look at him but he's quite the floor flusher.

When asked about his attire McFarland said "What, these glad rags? I'm no Joe Brooks, but I do what I can. I know my onions and I expect you do to, right? If you'll excuse me, there's a glass of noodle juice with my name on it, so I need to get a wiggle on."

McFarland is known to frequent cracker joints throughout the upper west side. Also said to enjoy a bit of the brown plaid, he's been spotted at a number of seedy drums in town.

"Are you still writing about me? Lay off, that's just a bunch of bubble gum you're writin', Chester. I'm hard-boiled, y'see? Enough of your hooey, now scram!" I told him I was just doing my job. "Let George do it!" he shot back. I told him I was finished and that I'd like to buy him a drink. "Now you're on the trolley, old boy! If you go on a toot, promise not to pull a Daniel Boone. I've got a reputation to uphold. I thought you were a real pill, Chester, but you're not half bad."

"Aw, applesauce!" I said.