Monster Ark

What exactly makes Monster Ark so very compelling? I'll tell you.

1. Renee O'Connor as Ava - You may or may not remember her as Gabrielle from Xena: Warrior Princess and all that went with that show. For about an hour I watched and couldn't place her. So I had to keep watching. Xena never showed up.

2. Tim DeKay as Nicholas - You may or may not remember him from Seinfeld as Kevin, from the bizarro episode where he was the anti-Jerry, and also had the vasectomy for Elaine. He is another familiar face that made me stay tuned. Nicholas and Ava are divorced, but she is so skilled as an anthropologist that he is compelled to take some lost ancient texts he discovers to her for translation. The scrolls are thought to be in a big urn , which she opens using a chisel and a hammer (as any right-minded anthropologist/archaeologist would do). Within twenty-four hours, it is cleared through the military that he and his team will be going to Iraq to follow the mystery wherever it leads them.

3. Tommy 'Tiny' Lister as Gentry the tough military dude - You may not know him from anything in particular, but he gives this film the force and gravitas it so richly deserves. Top quotes - "Here, kitty-kitty" while trying to lure the monster into the open and "Welcome to paradise" after shooting the last surviving insurgent following a monster attack and fire fight. Both are classic lines I'll be sure to reference ad nauseum (at least to myself).

4. Two young students - A dorky fat guy and an attractive young co-ed are in on the deal. Very few sci-fi movies would be complete without some teen-age blood. And yes, the boy gets sliced up a little bit. The girl provides some sexual tension as Ava thinks Nicholas has something going on with her. Nicholas and Ava got a divorce when he was falsely accused of having an affair with a student several years back. Ava could never let it go. She has no faith in him, and she says of him: "You have no faith in anything... anything but science." Yes!

5. Current events - Part of the story takes place in present day Iraq (hence the insurgents and the military presence). A strange force is emanating from somewhere in the desert which is of interest to the military for some reason. Having the military around introduces guns into the mix, and to emphasize the strength and unkillability of the monster, the modern weaponry of today's military is unable to stop it... but don't think they won't keep shooting at it, because they will, do and did.

6. Conspiracy - A vast brotherhood has been around for ages to maintain the secrecy of the sacred parchment - texts which contain clues to the location of the lost ark that Noah built to hold a monster (Monster Ark!) back when he was building the Ark. Or something to that effect. The brotherhood has a slight a gypsy look to it, they dress in black and answer to a man in a limousine. So, the idiotic Americans find the ark, open it and let out this monster. The monster hops around slicing up soldiers and insurgents. I forget what it's trying to do, but the only way to stop it is to find the tomb of Noah and get his staff/walking stick to zap the monster back under human control.

7. Long story short... Nicholas turns out to be the only one with faith (and remember, Ava said he had none! Remember that?) in the quest and is thus deemed to be the chosen one. He wields the staff and all the powers of the heavens are channeled through him as he gets the monster back in its ark/cage and is put away for a long, long time. Gentry (the big bad military man) tells Nicholas at the end that he should "get back together with that ex-wife of yours... she's into you, man."

Guy loses girl, guy gets no respect from military guy, guy releases monster, guy captures monster, guy gets girl, guy gets respect from military guy, guy finds himself and guy finds God. Other pluses: on from midnight to two a.m., no named characters die, special effects are perfect (perfect), implausible story (even for a fantasy) from start to finish, young kid drives van to the airport because Nicholas is a bad driver (apparently some sort of inside joke) and "I won't think any less of you if any of you back out now" said on more than one occasion.

"Add it all up and Monster Ark is a monster hit!"
-Gene Siskel